I’m A Peaceful Parent But A Shitty Wife

I wracked my brain and finally remembered but my retort was too late to take back. I told Gym Hottie that I “don’t listen to you anyway” when he confronted my wispy memory for his overnight bike trip planned this weekend with a buddy. I was half-joking because I really don’t listen to most of anything anyway. You try to form an idea of what to make dinner when you have a hungry infant and a toddler hanging off your leg channelling his favorite curious monkey character. I also realized my half-joke wasn’t that off-base because I’m kinda a shitty wife.

shotgun wedding marriage troubles.jpg

Photo credit: Josh Tofsrud and Shane Olson of Spokane, WA

I generally do not like to air our dirty laundry but this isn’t a call for marriage counseling. I actually am addressing some of my own personal issues as a life partner and, in turn, a mama. You know me: peaceful parent to my beautiful and angelic, perfect little children. The only truth to that is that my kids are beautiful, no around that, duh. My mantra is I will try to always do right by my kids. I only have one shot at this. I’ve been bestowed the hardest task in the world to raise other humans and I follow their leads, which is what peaceful parenting means to me. I have so much trouble cultivating half of this energy toward my partnership with GH.

I’m mean. I’m crass. I have strategically attacked known weaknesses. I pent up my feelings waiting for a mind-reading. I have perfected the short, snarky replies and the colder-than-cold shoulder. I can’t pinpoint the reason why I am gentle and loving toward our kids but can’t spare any of it to my husband. I was extra sweet in the following days of his near-death experience but it took just one look at the toothbrush sitting in front of the toothbrush holder to make my heart go back to cold. “The toothbrush holder is right there!”

I love my husband. I love how he is the best father to our kids. I love how hard he works for me to stay home in these early days with our littles. He’s not a shitty husband to me, maybe a shitty roommate though. It takes a lot more time and clarity to be more peaceful with him. If I can be a peaceful mama to two little kids then I can with a grown ass man, who is amazing in so many ways by dealing with his shitty wife.

What is the most annoying thing about your partner? What is the best thing?

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23 thoughts on “I’m A Peaceful Parent But A Shitty Wife

  1. Wow. I get you girl! Maybe it’s a Lao thing. Lol. The toothbrush thing made me laugh out loud. Although my husband will put the toothbrush back in its holder, he will on the other hand just grab any toothbrush in the holder. This drives me nuts. I don’t share toothbrushes! Use your own toothbrush damnit!! I too tend to tune out my husband 75% of the time. And it’s probably because sometimes I do feel like a single mom when I’m dealing with the kids all day and night and get NO mommy breaks. Don’t get me wrong. I’m totally not complaining. I too love my husband and apprciate the fact that he works hard and i feel bad that he misses out on watching the kids grow the way i get to see it. But also, I think like most marriages, we all go through phases and right now it’s the “please just do what I say to make ME happy phase” and if he doesn’t follow through then it’s me cursing him out under my breath in Lao with a smile. πŸ™‚ At least there’s no denying that we do genuinly love our man. That should lessen the guilt a little when we are a shitty wife right?

    • Darla, I bet it’s the Lao wife in us. My parents were not the best example of marriage bliss and I think my coping system is learned from that – “just be mad and let it blow over.” I’m glad that I hear other moms feel like there feelings of solo parenting by being a stay-at-home mom. It’s a never-ending job, no matter where the household income comes from!

  2. I definitely relate to feeling like the kids get the best of my loving, compassionate self and hubz gets what’s left over at the end of the day. These early years can be really emotionally draining, especially if you’re nursing 2 and the primary caregiver all day and co-sleeping all night.

    Something that’s really resonated for me is to appreciate that my mate is MY attachment figure (and vice versa) and the same practices that help or hurt attachment between parent and child (help: consistent physical closeness, connection before correction, assuming good intentions even with misbehavior, etc) apply to that relationship as well.


  3. Haha. I love this post! I am a shitty(not all the time but most) girlfriend and this post really opened my eyes. He doesn’t give me mommy breaks and I make rude comments. I even “talk” to our daughter about him in front of him. Ex:”Daddy wonders why you don’t like him to hold you? He doesn’t hold you and play with you like mommy!” (She is only 7mths so she can’t really understand) I realized though since he works so hard at work, I am able to be a stay at home mom. I just want a break! Lol. The thing he does that really annoys me though is he blindly throws his socks in the hamper. Not all of them get in and end up under some mess in the laundry room, so he gets mad when he doesn’t have all these matching socks. I wonder why?! When thowing your socks in the hamper make sure both buddies are together.

    • OMG, sandy! Are we married to the same guy? GH does that with his socks but in our case the hamper is our living room floor! -_-

      I’ve also done the condescending baby talk to get a message across. I’ve told Humnoy that I know he’s mad that daddy would rather check his email than play with you after not seeing you for 12 hours. Hahaha

  4. It’s not just you.. I have so little patience for my husband sometimes because I save it all for my son. I get mad and it makes me cold and it takes a long time to stop accumulating the coldness and thaw out. I’m in a warm period now after a lot of work and I want to stay here! He deserves it from me.

  5. Maybe seeing peaceful wifeyness as an extension of peaceful parenting? As in, part of a lesson your children will learn aoubt growing up someday and how they want to treat a partner? I don’t know, because I suck at this too…especially when I’m tired (24/7, am I right? πŸ™‚ ).

    Best things about my husband: he’s really patient and solid, he isn’t going to make flighty decisions…he’s a plodder. He’s also smart and funny.

    Worst things: he watches a bazillion hours of TV a week. He prioritizes TV over going to bed early (earlier than 1am). He also leaves Coke Zero cans all over the darned house.

  6. Trust me when I say that I am not perfect. However, my hubs and I have a pretty good relationship, and I think there are a few things we do well. We want to model a good relationship for our kids, so we’ve (recently) decided no more major disagreements in front of the kids. We also hug and kiss each other in front of them. We have a bed time for them, and we spend some time every evening hanging out. It’s a good way to reconnect, even if we’re just watching tv. This is a lot easier with toddlers vs a baby, so I totally understand sleep-deprived snaps. I still do that too sometimes. And I really have to try to remember sometimes that part of being a good mom is being a good wife.

  7. Oh my gosh. This sounds just like me! I have the same issue and I have no answer for it. I’ve always been on the sassy side with him, and at one point he liked that about me. But It started to hurt his feelings eventually. And when I got pregnant this time, for some reason I just hate him almost all the time. I think the most pulled trigger is his ability to be more of the woman in the relationship…if that makes sense. You know, the constant need of attention and reassurance, easily hurt feelers, and a few tears here and there. It drives me nuts! But even when he does nothing I find myself being an ice queen, then turning around and being happy mommy. Sorry I have no helpful advice, but I feel ya!

    • My husband is the more sensitive one, definitely. I try to understand it but I can’t get on that level. I do best by just festering in anger then let it subside organically- on my own and quietly. I know communication is important but sometimes I just wanna be mad!

  8. I wish I could say motherhood made me The Ice Queen of Jaresh Manor, but I was totally frosty before I ever got pregnant. I always say that the biggest difference between my husband and I is the LACK of difference in age. He’s 7 months older than me, which makes me a good 7 years older than him.

    I love him. He’s totally cut and dry, and I’m too sleep deprived these days (and never cared enough before) to notice if I’ve offended someone. With him, he’ll either tell me, or let it go. So it works. What doesn’t work is my living room being a closet. When asked why his clothes is all over my love seat everyday, he answered “uh, cuz I get dressed in here”… And then there’s the look that can only mean that I have “asshole” written on my forehead.

    • GH and I are complete opposites. In the beginning, that was what made our relationship work and also sizzle. Now that we have other little humans thrown in the mix, it complicates things because of difference in opinion about how to raise our kids. Another good thing I like is that he totally lets me run the show with the parenting.

  9. It’s about finding balance. He has to get with the program. You can’t win at everything and neither can he. I tell my husband all the time… You want awesome kids or a clean house and he finally after a few years gets it. I will never be the neat freak he wants, that isn’t me – he didn’t marry a neat freak, he married a good woman that knows how to cook, manage the home and raise good kids lol

    • Oh, you own it too! I’m horrible at keeping up with laundry, with my desk, or anything that interferes with my time with the kids (<– so everything!) I think if I make the effort into providing some compassion, it'll naturally inspire him to pick up a household chore or two.

  10. My anger comes from not being a stay at home mom. I don’t understand how I work 40 hours a week and he is the stay at home dad and can’t even do laundry or keep my kitchen clean. Sometimes I feel like the mean husband, pissed his wife doesnt have food on the table. But when I get off work after 8 hours and my house is filthy, the “clean” laundry in a wrinkled shit pile….and if I even bother to ask “what’s for dinner?” Its a purely sarcastic comment meant as a jibe becuse it was long ago determined that if I don’t cook I don’t eat.

    My weakness is I’m bitter. Jealous. Convinced I would do better. I feel I should be home raising my Daughter, I am one of those assholes whose 100% convinced I would do his “stay at home” job a MILLION times better than him..but that’s not something I get the opportunity to do. Blah.

    So be sweet sometimes, leaving your family everyday to go work for the man….it wears on the soul

  11. I feel it is so important for other mamas and wives to talk about this. I think so many of us think its just our own husband and no one else. When in reality. All of us mamas and wives are… well… crazy! But hello, our hormones are jumping everywhere! From periods, to pregnancy, to postpartum, to breastfeeding… then to periods again (and so the cycle continues). What us women need to understand is that no one is going to get along. But we don’t need to keep it secret. We should continue to talk with eachother, and PLEASE don’t get offended when someone calls you out on your crass bitchiness! πŸ˜€

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