All I want is all I’ve never done and a Free Slurpee.

20130711-141703.jpgLast 48 hours have really tested me. Me as a parent, as a partner, and as a stranger. I swear if another rando looks at me sideways, I’m gonna flip tables. It’s just been hard. I’m just hard. I feel out of touch within my own confines of personhood and the obligated identity of mamahood. I’ve repeated over and over the scenario in my head once these two children are placed behind brick walls of a classroom so I can be away from them instead of day in, day out covered in poop, puke, and tears.

The more I think about myself and my needs, the more I accept the decrease of happiness. I place more priority of three whole entities’ needs above my singly own. I haven’t found a healthy balance yet. I can’t satisfy my personal wants to fuel my energy and clarity for these other people’s wants. I just don’t have that kinda support. Monetary or physically or emotionally. My main release is when I take the hour to prepare two children and drive 15 minutes to the gym and spend 30 minutes preparing to leave them in gym daycare to then only work out for 45 minutes. Almost two hours in turn for a quiet 45 minutes is kinda sorta not really worth it.

As I’m stuck in between these two little bodies, I’m still fuming mad. My locked jaw and flared nostrils tell me so. I was fine until the toddler woke up from history’s shortest car nap and then he saw that I was driving out of the YMCA parking lot. Cue the wailing. I endured the next 10 minutes of backseat screeching only because the daycare closed in 30 minutes. So, I’m desperately ignoring Humnoy’s attempts to avoid a home nap. I just want to avoid everything else.

Today’s excitement is it’s 7-11 Day meaning a free Slurpee. Unless they deliver, I won’t get one. I see no point in buckling, unbuckling, and dragging two kids into a 7-11 for a tiny ass Slurpee even if it is free. I won’t even get to enjoy it because Wailing Toddler. I hate today.

26 thoughts on “All I want is all I’ve never done and a Free Slurpee.

  1. oh man, that sounds hard! I get ya on the whole it takes three times longer to pack for something than even going, but I have to get out everyday otherwise I am super crabby. And Potamus is not taking naps at home for me, so I have to drive around or my sanity is completely lost! I can’t imagine adding another one to the mix!

    Any people you know who could give you a break for a few hours to do something fun and for YOU, not the mom-you?

  2. I wish I could say I fell you, but really I just feel shitty for feeling you. I feel so guilty when I have those days because I only have one tiny guy. You da man!

  3. I’m in tears right now. I’m feeling the exact same way. The fact that I called my parents to see if I could go over to get out of this apartment that ive been confined to since monday and find out they are at the lake with my brother, sister, brother inlaw, aunt, and basically everyone in our family that lives in this damn city. Like wtf? They didn’t even bother to invite. I’m so pissed off and sad. I’ve heard that saying “it takes a village to raise a child” well my fucking village sucks. I really try my best to make it seem like I can do it all by myself because I was a very crazy teenager and I feel like I have something to prove. Well I’m feeling unhappy. My husband is absent all thetime because of his job, my mom woukd rather be on her phone checking her fake fb pages than spend time withher grandchildren. I’m just going nuts. :(( please tell me it gets better… I really wish you didn’t feel the way you do because it really does suck. I know:( I aways try to tell myself “it could always be worse”.

  4. Oh do I ever feel you. Lennon is out of control these days like wow. She is a typhoon as my mama called her. You are fantastic just remember to put fuel back in the tank. Regroup, reground and make it a priority!

  5. this is why I never go to Wawa! My son can’t stand getting back in the car seat after a short stop. I have to tell you, getting a job when my son was 20 months old was like winning the lottery as far as having time to rest, poop, put on makeup, talk to adults, etc.

  6. I have been there and it’s really hard when they are young. I can’t leave my 3yr old at the Y because he screams for me and his sisters go off together since they’re older. I started looking up zumba, pilates, and taebo on youtube and doing that at home. The Y is strictly used for the pool at the moment. You have to find a way to take care of yourself first…if you’re drained and tired then you’ll be cranky and it trickles down to the kids. I know that’s easier said than done. Breathing has helped me a lot and is something I’m still working on. Hope the rest of your night and tomorrow is better. Yay for placenta pills and vodka!

  7. Yes, all of this. I feel you completely. It scares me think I’m willingly adding another to my tribe. I’m going to go mad! Luckily my mom lives close, so sometimes I get to drop off the girls for maybe half a day. I’ll take anything. Hope this stage passes quickly for you. (hugs)

  8. I’ve been stark raving mad myself lately. Being bogged down by stress and forgetting what I look like because I’m too busy to just stop and think for a moment. I only have one (with one more coming in jan. ::hurray??::) and she’s a tough one sometimes! I ordered photos online and have been too lazy to go get them because of all the buckling/unbuckling nonsense. Not to mention my daughter hates the car seat with a furious passion so any drive better be worth all the nervous scratching, screeching and general baby anger that goes along with it.
    As far as what these other ladies are saying.. It’s hard to get ‘you’ time no matter how big or small the village is. Ever since becoming a mom I feel like people think ‘oh, well you chose this life! Suck it up and shut up!’ It’s tough.
    I hope GH at least offers to pitch in here and there so you can get more than 45 minutes of Theek time.

  9. *hugs*

    That was my kind of day yesterday, too. Actually, it feels like those are mostly how my days feel like now. Each kiddo is in their own stage of something and when you add it all up, it doesn’t mix. Not at all.

    Just lock yourself in the closet for a few minutes and rock back and forth. 😛

  10. I swear you’re in my head! Mimi’s almost 12, so she can help with the toddler, but I’m still the go-to for everything & everyone. Gym? Pshaw! That’s an absolute luxury for me. I need to take two very slow busses to get to the other end of town for the Y. Groceries are done on foot (minimum a 20
    Minute walk one way to the closest one) my summer is turning into a bummer. Wish we all lived closer & could all relieve each other from our charges for a bit, so we could retain what little is left of ourselves.

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