Small Town Girl Probs: You Know Nothing About Breakup Etiquette, Jon Snow

How to not break up in a small town by @LaotianComotion
If I do not count my current husband, I have only had two ex-boyfriends with the official label. Like, boyfriend-girlfriend, Facebook-status official, and only three times have I been somewhat committed in such a relationship. Are exes and daters (I hate the word ‘lover’) mutually exclusive? In addition, these other ones were added to the body count but never a status-changer. No, I will not share my number. No, you do not get to make assumptions about me. No, you are not better than me because your body count is one and your husband is a lousy lay. This is just a little story about a small-town girl living in a prudey world and about the likelihood of running into an ex is more likely than anybody leaving the safe comforts of home.

I like to call my hometown Podunk-Bourg(eoisie), where it’s not small enough to have that old-timey flair nor is it large enough to be metro or cool at all. It’s a place where people think they are hotter shit than they really are is what I’m trying to say. A particular ex loved to always remind me for my sake, “Can’t turn a ho into a housewife.” A hometown full of exes, daters, flings, or whatever they’re called and I avoid visiting it like the STD pool the tri-town area that it is. Seriously, what do we call these people? Whatever you call them, I could not get away from them anytime I visited my folks. You especially don’t want to run into them after an awkward split-up: Shitty Wife was a Shitty Girlfriend too. No more awkward than Jon Snow’s reaction in Season 4, Episode 9 with Ygritte. You know you fucked up, right, Jon Snuh.

You know nothing about break-up etiquette, Jon Snow @LaotianComotion

My last official breakup with an Official Boyfriend was so unfriendly because GH became the man he is to me now. I left OB while we were trying to patch things up yet Gym Hottie did get his moniker for no reason at all. Get this: they have the same name and that just blew OB’s gasket and it was an unfriendly departure. Breakup meaning it was a lot of drunk calls to apologize and those apologies were never heard. One drunk run-in at a hometown bar and two years later, he somehow found out I was married and sent me a congratulatory text message and I was shocked. Why reach out now, you bastard? Why bring your petty small mind back into my life as I was 8 months pregnant? It took a good three years later to forget how awful a person that was. How a small baby  was the answer to change all of it. A now mundane, quiet life finally let me forget all about how shitty a partner I “was” when I look at my family, my husband, and my two kids. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still a crazy ass ex-girlfriend and will stalk your ass on social media. Can’t turn a stalker into a housewife maybe.

What is proper break-up etiquette anyway?


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9 thoughts on “Small Town Girl Probs: You Know Nothing About Breakup Etiquette, Jon Snow

  1. We were meant to be. This is soooooo me. Lol wait till my husband reads this. Yeah, he admitted to me the other day that when hes bored at work he reads your blog. I fell in love all over again… with both you and him lmao!

  2. I hate going home, not because of MY exes (2), but because my sister was a Ms.Social Butterfly in school AND still lives in smallish Eastern Washington Town.

    So going out for drinks onetime, with her new boyfriend and my husband…the waiter was a guy she dated in 8th grade who STILL had a crush on her, the bouncer was a long-time-boyfriend-turned-not-so-amicable-ex (as in, crawled through the dog door to steal back his pit bull after they split up…AND slashed the tires of her new bf’s car), an Ex before the last ex, another guy she dated in HS, and a prom date.

    My head was spinning. Too many sexual connections in one room for me to feel comfy…

  3. My small town is the largest (population-wise) military base in the country. Locals are small in numbers, and rarely dare each other as the lure of a soldier from out of town is often too much to foresake. “Fayetteville girls” love them some young soldiers, and Fayetteville boys (notice the absence of quotation? They’re better than us, don’t ya know?) are inclined to remind us. When I left my lazy highschool sweetheart for a young GI with an actual job, he told me I’d end up pregnant and divorced and no one would want me. Then he had his house, and both cars repossessed and I feel better for having been the shitty girlfriend.

  4. I know this is a blog where the standards for writing can be set quite low, but damn this is atrocious… All these idiotic acronyms and sentences chopped with a chainsaw. It’s a blog post, not a text message. Surprised it’s not riddled with emoticons. This Laotian needs to pick up an actual book sonetime, maybe something by Nabokov or a journal by Anais Nin, or hell, even Nicholas Sparks — something. I lost brain cells reading this…

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