Sh*t Mainstream Parents Say When You Don’t Want Kids

main·stream/ˈmānˌstrēm/
Noun:
The ideas, attitudes, or activities that are regarded as normal or conventional; the dominant trend in opinion, fashion, or the arts.

From pregnancy fitness advice to homeschooling, all my choices in motherhood are due in large part to because everyone is, well, not doing it. As a crunchy parent, I do my best to disregard the conventional ideas of parenting. “Normal” has evolved into ignoring the biological and instinctual cues as parents. Here is my experience with shit mainstream people say about…

Choosing to Be Child-Free

Remember that option on MySpace with basic information such as your marital status, body type, and even your income? There was an option to list your “children” with Yes, No, or Someday. I clicked the “Love kids, but not for me” category. I was proudly child-free because kids complicate things and steal your life’s ambitions. With a mention of this, I get my share of sympathetic brows and heartbroken frowns and usually,

You’ll change your mind.

This isn’t Denny’s where I can change my order. I don’t care to eat the Sizzlin’ Skillet and you say I will eff up my day by going without the Sizzlin’ Skillet. Everyone else gets the Sizzlin’ Skillet and I’ve seen how messy it gets and if you touch it, you’ll get hurt. I like the idea but the Sizzlin’ Skillet is just not for me. You go on to say the Sizzlin’ Skillet has finally entered meaning into your mundane existence and that you always dreamed of the Sizzlin’ Skillet since you were a little kid. Love ‘em, but kids were not for me. The ironic thing is that a child-free person totally could change their mind and have kids later down the road. Well, dang, what happens when you aren’t really impressed with parenthood and your kids are hellions and now want to fulfill your dream of backpacking in Europe? Not very many options there, buddy. All I had to do was get knocked up to show that you were right all along. I actually would love a Sizzlin’ Skillet if a Sizzlin’ Skillet were Humnoy and dessert were busted myths of mainstream parenting. Sizzlin’ Skillet is pretty bitching and my life does have a whole new meaning. Now, I dream of having more Sizzlin’ Skillets with a dash of unconventional to complete my crazy meal.

Photo from: http://webspace.webring.com/people/bm/madsquopper/childfre.html

What shit did mainstream people say about your life before having kids? Have you always wanted kids? Do you have people in your life that are child-free? How are they now that you have child(ren)? What mainstream parenting horror stories did you de-bunk?

Yeah, I Said It: My Kid Has Germs

Contrary to popular belief, motherhood has made me less into hand sanitizing and Lysol’ed door handles. You’ve heard it before from old folks – “It’s okay – it builds immunity!” Humnoy has been “sick” 2-3 times with the last major spell with his ear infection, which I totally owned it using natural remedies. I let him eat off of the kitchen floor, play with non-choking yet somewhat hazardous items, and get kissed by animals who may or may not lick anuses.

I’m the first to admit I’m very lazy and try to find the least effort in doing things. When Humnoy is playing within earshot with something I can’t specifically identify, I leave him be. If I catch him chewing on something edible, I let him eat it (sometimes). He’s a very adventurous eater so I exercise most caution here. I went out dancing at the dance studio the night before and left my going-out shoes by the front door. See, I am so lazy, I don’t even take the extra time to put them away where they belong. The morning after, Mama was a wee bit lazy relaxed from the comfort of the love seat to grab the pointy heels out of his chompers.

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So, if you want a strong healthy kid, let them put that dirty old toy in their mouth or eat that blueberry in the corner from this morning. It won’t hurt ‘em, I promise.

What do you let your kids do that is not up to sanitation standards? Are you a germophobic mama? Any other confessions?

Sh*t Mainstream Parents Say About Serious Relationships

main·stream/ˈmānˌstrēm/
Noun:
The ideas, attitudes, or activities that are regarded as normal or conventional; the dominant trend in opinion, fashion, or the arts.

From pregnancy fitness advice to homeschooling, all my choices in motherhood are due in large part to because everyone is, well, not doing it. As a crunchy parent, I do my best to disregard the conventional ideas of parenting. “Normal” has evolved into ignoring the biological and instinctual cues as parents. Here is my experience with shit mainstream people say about…

When You’re In a Serious Relationship

Okay, it’s not parenting related but I wanted to start the series at a time in my life with shit mainstream people said to me before I was even married or pregnant. I was in a serious, serious relationship with someone else before meeting Husband. Mind you, I was proudly child-free and education-minded, women’s rights and all that noise and hated the idea of marriage and especially kids. He was conservative (I know, right?) in the ways of gender roles and personal identity. His idea of starting a life together was for me to drop out of college and start my mainstream adventure of mini-vans and mom jeans. We were together on and off for about 3 years but I heard plenty from his friends, my friends, and just mainstream people in general.

“When are you guys gonna get married so you can have kids?!”

Oh yeah! Let me me get on that for you! I mean, you’re right – what in the hell am I doing by doing you, your dog, and the world a disservice by leaving this ripe uterus unoccupied? Oh, and I know he had betta out a ring on it before planting his golden seed too, right? White gold bands on left hand triggers your optimal fertility, dontchaknow.

Are you saying that unwed mothers are doomed and that the next cow over will demand a dowry before giving away milk rather than the harlot that you are giving it away for free? I never understood that life’s events had to happen in a certain order or the universe will explode. Two months salary on a diamond, wearing an expensive white dress (worst color ever, by the way) only once, and then popping out mainstream kids. Most of all those generated ideas came from a single person’s ideal of how it should be and now we now have Kim Kardashian. Thanks, Society, thanks a lot.

What mainstream shit have you heard about your serious/non-serious relationship? Did you fall victim? What have you done in your relationship that falls into ‘mainstream’?

Sh*t Mainstream Parents Say

main·stream/ˈmānˌstrēm/
Noun:
The ideas, attitudes, or activities that are regarded as normal or conventional; the dominant trend in opinion, fashion, or the arts.

With the video of “Sh*t Crunchy Mamas Say” going super viral on all my favorite natural parenting pages, it totally gave me an idea to post all the negative things people said to me before, during, and in the long-range plans for my child.

I will start a “Sh*t Mainstream Parents Say” blog series for all the things someone has offered their unwarranted or negative advice for my crunchy motherhood. It is not meant to judge nor poke fun at different parenting styles and I hope you can enjoy the stuff I have come across in my short time as a mother. Please know that I have a sense of humor too and I am in no way directly talking about you or your family.

Here’s the video that made the Husband laugh because he has heard those very things come out of my mouth:

So, stay tuned! :D

Sleeping With a Side Car Crib

With the last couple weeks with a perpendicular baby, sleep has gotten quite disruptive as he wakes up annoyed in the middle of the night. Maybe he’s teething. Maybe he’s fighting a little fever. Who knows but it finally occurred to me that maybe, at 10 months old, he needs a wee bit more space. On a whim as I was watching him entertain himself on my office floor with a highlighter and my wallet, I shout to my husband,

Hey, babe? Let’s side car the crib tonight!

He shouts back,

HUH!

I shout,

I said, Let’s—

Like always,

—Side car the crib? Alright.

He always hears me the first time.

As he did all the grunting and dismantling of the crib, I “supervised” and thwarted the baby’s attempts to pull the side crib slats onto his squishy head and swallow dust bunnies as we rearranged our bedroom.

He’s been in the same room with Mama since birth. He has slept between Mama and Dada after he outgrew the bassinet. It’s been two weeks since we set up the side car crib and this was the first time ever that he even laid in there with his eyes closed.20120131-004959.jpg

To then wake and alligator-swamp roll into sitting up position screaming to now this.
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I guess he doesn’t need space so much as he does Mama and Dada, which I won’t put up a fight about.

Humnoy’s First Incident Report

You know you have a physical son when he gets his first incident report at 10 1/2 months.

We are YMCA members and they have an awesome program called Child Watch for members. It is an on-site temporary daycare facility allowing members to work out up to two hours while their child(ren) are monitored and entertained. Now that he has been walking since eight months old, he has now graduated from “baby jail” and now roams around the free-play area with the big kids! As you can imagine, he gets into many of his own antics being the smallest member of the non-baby area.

They always let me know he is a very easy child because my all-time fear as a mother is that I have “that one kid.”  I skip the cool-down session of the Zumba class to rush and sign him out before the 1:15 PM mark. Today was a first to add to his many milestones at just 10 1/2 months old. I was then prompted to sign an incident report saying that he pretty much zoomed right into a play structure and, because of a visible bruise, I must be notified of the incident. The only reason they didn’t come get me was because he fell backward without crying a peep and got right back up to playing with kids twice his size.

A little stunt he pulled during dinner.

Humnoy’s First Hockey Game

We scored some season ticket front row seats for 1/3 of the retail value at last night’s Spokane Chiefs hockey game! Husband and I had attended a game or two in our early dating days and would sneak in a flask to put in our dollar fountain drinks. We liked to party, can you tell?

This time around, we have since put away the travel flask and planned to show our son a good time in the most legitimate way possible – front row seats and sober! The night was uneventful in the hockey punches and fisticuffs but entertaining nonetheless. The baby loved the action on the rink for the first half hour of us being there then he got restless and turned his attention to the crowd behind us. He makes friends quite easily and had no trouble getting giggles from everybody, young and old.

Front row, YEAH!

My favorite man and the strange guy that we call Dad.

Can't I enjoy my french fry in peace, Ma?

Clap-clap for the Chiefs!

More fighting please!

I guess you could call that a "fight."

How I Treated the Baby’s Ear Infection Without Prescription Meds

I had my yearly eye exam at the turn of the year and my optometrist noted that my vision has gotten sharper. He says that it may be due to pregnancy and motherhood hormones balancing out or something. I just thought it’s because I have morphed into a super-human specimen to listen and divert all possible catastrophes that occur in everyday babyhood. A quiet room with a non-slumbering baby is a dangerous risk to sit and check Facebook.

In addition to that delightful unexpected news, he says:

My, your eyes look very tired.

In other words, my doc thought I looked like shit that morning. He was right though – Humnoy had a fever and was up most of the night. Flash forward four days and Hum sees a doctor of his own just two days shy of his Mama’s birthday. Typical, right? Of course, a medical doctor prescribes medicine for a diagnosis of an ear infection in the five whole minutes of him being in the same room with us. I scramble to locate the information I’ve mentally stored from reading favorite natural parenting Facebook pages about using essential oils, herbs, and all sorts of kooky unconventional shit. I’m all for modern advances so here’s a bit of science for ya:

[...] treating infants who had infection in only one ear was ineffective — 40 percent of untreated children under 2 still had pain after three to seven days, and so did 35 percent of those who received antibiotics. In children older than 2, antibiotics were generally unhelpful. Twenty-six percent of untreated children still had pain or fever after three to seven days, and so did 19 percent of children who received treatment.

As I am held at gunpoint to fill the prescription for amoxicillin (ahem, my husband threatens me that my son will be deaf if I don’t), I run to Super Supplements as it’s being filled to grab a couple of things that were suggested for natural remedies.

Here’s how I didn’t have to use amoxicillin:

Warm ear oil drops
I did a double-boiler and warmed ear oil using an empty bowl with 2-4 drops of oil on top of a bowl filled with hot water. The warm oil is soothing and helped my baby nurse gently again. The garlic, mullein flowers, and St. John’s wort have antiseptic and antifungal properties, which help fight the infection itself. Before getting ready to nurse, I would drop 2-3 drops of warmed oil in the infected ear and leave it in for a couple minutes while entertaining him for a bit before laying him ear-side down to drain out the oil as he fed. I placed folded tissue on my forearm to catch the oil.

Colloidal silver
I have always noticed colloidal silver being mentioned and suggested from all the natural healing mamas. Silver was long-known for its natural antibiotic function to stop viruses in its tracks before the antibiotics industry was regulated. I picked up a bottle and expected to struggle to have my baby swallow some drops but the vertical spray makes it easy. I counted one by one with each spray and he loved it thinking it was a fun game! It’s also an immunity booster for the entire family and can be maintained by the adults with 20 sprays each and baby gets four or more.

Steam-filled bathroom and frequent baths
The steam helps with the cough that poor baby developed from the cold. I turned on the shower all the way to hot and shut the door while his bath tub filled. It also helped me relax with my baby and a great night cap. I also was prepared to do it in the middle of the night when his cough was particularly bad but he slept soundly after a steam session!

Photo courtesy www.deadpanexchange.com/images/artist_images/zachary-royer-scholz

Cold socks
I received some advice from a local herbal enthusiast/mama about cold socks drawing mucus down and out of the body. Before bedtime, I wet a pair of cotton socks and put those on his sick tootsies and put another pair of socks over the wet ones. Hydrotheraphy aids in relieving nasal congestion especially in the upper respiratory tract. It was very strange being so damn happy when my baby spit up stringy milk but I knew it was getting that nasty stuff outta my baby! I had to chase him down every time he sneezed or coughed to see the color of the phlegm – quite entertaining to be a fly on the wall for that.

Nurse, nurse, and nurse!
He needed much more mama lovins! It was a very nice excuse for me to get back some baby loves since he has been much more independent. I did lots of skin-to-skin to bring down his temperature and let his fever do what it’s meant to do – fight the infection on its own. Once his ear wasn’t bothersome anymore, he fed a lot and slept very well.

Would you believe me that he was better just in time for our weekend getaway for my birthday? He saw the doctor on Thursday and we left town Saturday, my birthday, January 7th. We had a follow-up/10-month-checkup on January 20th. With no mention of my kooky home remedies:

Mama: Did his ear clear up?

Doctor: Oh, yes.

Mama: Oh, good!

Doctor: I can tell he is not in a daycare; he is too healthy!

Even if medicine could have worked, I firmly believe in the amazing power of the human body. I carried for 41 weeks and birthed an almost-8-lb little human. My son has thrived off my milk to now be the brightest, most advanced little bubba who waves ‘bye-bye’ on command and is practically running at 10 1/2 months! My above methods were all natural with minimal to no side effects so I always ask myself, “Why not?” Why not do the least-invasive method possible and believe in the ability of oneself? My baby is strong, healthy, and smart and I have gotten this far with my favorite mantra: “When in doubt, go without.”

I Am Not 30 but Past 21, I’m…

… old enough to have my first kid and the metabolism to get my “bod” back! HA, good luck guessing that number. This is shockingly my first post sans anything-baby. Of course, I don’t have much to say because I’m obsessed with him but for those who are wondering who the “former party girl” is, here you go.

On January 7th, it was glorious day I was put on this earth many moons ago. I celebrated the best way I know how: karaoke in a podunk town in Idaho.

- Humnoy’s Mama Laotian Commotion

Weekly Lao Food Challenge: Thum Maak Taeng (Lao Cucumber Salad)

Thum Maak Taeng (Lao Cucumber Salad)

Prep Time: 15 minutes
Cook Time: o minutes

 

 

Thum loosely means “mash or pound together.” The great thing about this recipe is that you can use a papaya (original), cucumber, carrots, or even cooked rice noodles as the main ingredient to make thum-anything. I “splurged” and went ahead and bought the $3 blue shredding tool (trust me, it’s awesome!) at the Asian store to make my life a bit more easier as authentic Lao cooks would use a knife to shred. If you can’t get your hands on padek (fermented fish sauce), you can use fish sauce if that’s what you have on hand but be sure to add sparingly and taste as you go!

Ingredients (serves two hungry adults)

  • 1 garlic clove
  • 1 Thai chili pepper (may adjust according to spice preference)
  • 1/2 teaspoon of salt
  • 1 tablespoon of shrimp paste
  • 2 large cucumbers, peeled and shredded
  • 6 cherry or grape tomatoes, halved
  • 1/2 of a lime
  • 1/2 tablespoon of sugar
  • 1 tablespoon of padek
  • Cooked sticky or Jasmine rice or cooked rice noodles
  1. Pound the garlic, chili pepper, shrimp paste, and salt in a mortar with a pestle into a chunky paste or until you can smell the garlic.
  2. Add a small handful of shredded cucumber along with the tomatoes and lightly mash with the paste.
  3. Add the rest of the cucumber and continue to lightly mash with the help of a spoon to get the bottom juices to the top.
  4. Juice the lime, add the sugar and continue to lightly mash to get the bottom juices mixed completely with the cucumber.
  5. Add padek to the cucumber mixture and taste.
  6. Serve with your favorite meat and rice or noodles.

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