The 3 Mistakes To Make To Not Get Laid By Your Wife

Flanked by a lazy latched baby and her horizontal brother, I am then woken up by the feverish tap and sleazy face of my husband. I squint at my phone screen shining 2:50 pm and I ignore his advances because sleep when the babies sleep. Amirite? I shrug him off and pray that he’ll realize I’m not going to wake up for him right now. He persists because he’s after (day) sex. It usually isn’t a problem because I generally like to have sex with the father of my children (I mean, obviously) but I think he went about it the wrong way.

Our unofficial parent-sex quota is a definite once a week. Two times a week if I get a shower and those two times are back-to-back if we’re stressed out. I usually succumb to GH’s seduction but here’s what happened for me to wife-excuse my way out of it:

His first mistake He was all Captain Obvious about it as soon as I woke up. The kids and I had an early morning appointment and I rushed out the door 10 minutes after my appointment time. Obviously. Before we bolted out the door, GH was sorting out the clothes avalanche in our room. That was the first sign that my husband is looking to get lucky. I spotted it as soon as he lifted a finger without any prompt or nagging.

His second mistake This time, I really was tired and wasn’t just saying it. You do not ever, ever, EVER wake up a napping mother. Humnoy, the Child Who Needs An Entire Hour to Settle, finally is asleep and GH thinks it’s high time to wake me up. Ofttimes it’s when I’m in the middle of something important like drying off from a shower or Twitter. This time was during our household sacred activity: kid nap time. Just let the woman breathe before you’re already breathing in her hair.

His third mistake Nagging can go both ways in a marriage. He wouldn’t back down until I was all, “Babe. I’m sleep” for what seemed like the 83rd time. If he had given up 82 attempts ago, I would have straddled him myself. Desperation has a far stronger scent than obviousness and that can be a turn-off. Cool it with the overt heat-seeking missile there, bud.

Once he finally went away, I woke up from fake sleeping because I could not fall back asleep. See: “second mistake.” Once he left me alone and eventually left for the day, I took the time to reconsider and make amends with my dear husband. I didn’t want to seem distant or inconsiderate so I came up with a brilliant idea I haven’t done since our boyfriend-girlfriend phase. I spontaneously sent him a nudey pic. Spontaneous meaning I took a few to get the right angle away from disproportionate lactating boobs and selected the winning photo that had the most thigh gap. He either appreciated it or cursed it but all’s fair in love and parent sex.

One does not simply make sure the top rack gets any water.

How does parent sex go for you?

You can find me tweeting my hatred for pants on twitter, filtering the shit outta my kids’ mugs on Instagram, pinning food I’ll never make on Pinterest, and being a SEO creep on Google+